WANTED: Bullpen Arms

In light of the Astros’ pitching and Joe Espada’s fearless ability to mismanage it, I’ve decided to step in. We will discuss offense after tomorrow’s game.

Tryouts will be held at Tiger Stadium in Detroit at 9:00 AM sharp. If you’re late, don’t even bother.

If you can throw a baseball anywhere near the plate, congratulations! You’re already ahead of most of our bullpen. I’ll personally teach you how to throw the following pitches:

4-seam (just grip and pray) 2-seam (same thing but it moves a little) changeup (“please don’t hit this to the moon if it hangs) Sweeper (if you are doing well, but over the plate for a strike or a swinging strike eyes on ort, who I’m personally firing tomorrow)

You must show even the slightest hint of competence for me to even let you in on the Sweeper that doesn’t allow opponents to literally WALK off on you. All I ask is that you show up with your glove and your arm. That alone will probably get you signed.

Thank you for your time, and see you at 9am.

-Me