The Curse of the Astros Cleanup Slot – Defense Against The Dark Arts Edition

Astros cleanup slot is cursed this year. Bregman, Tucker, Yainer and Peña have hit cleanup during this season. Still, they have combined for the fewest hits, RBIs, HRs, TB, lowest BA, SLG and OPS out of the nine lineup slots. Compared to the rest of the MLB’s production out of the cleanup slot, the Astros are bottom 5 in the majority of the offensive categories.

Here are Astros counterparts as Defense Against The Dark Arts Professors.

Yainer Diaz – Quirinus Quirrell

Supposedly the main antagonist that was set to take on an expanded role, but someone else was actually making the decisions to disastrous results. Hey look, it’s Framber calling his own game.

Jose Abreu – Gilderoy Lockhart

High profile celebrity hire, but was actually so incompetent that he couldn’t cast basic spells. His only useful skill were memory charms to remind people of his past deeds and achievements. Dumbledore would point at Lockhart’s resume listed on the back of his Chocolate Frog Card when questioned why Lockhart was hired. “At the end of the Day, we believe his wand speed is still there, and Lockhart just needs to work on his timing”

Kyle Tucker – Remus Lupin

Secret werewolf that was largely immune to the negative effects of the curse. Gifted professor that stuck around Hogwarts when he was moved to a different role. Tucker only hit cleanup for a brief period, but one of the only two games in that stretch he didn’t hit cleanup was during a full moon.

Alex Bregman – Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody

Straight up imposter. Real guy is locked up in a trunk and needs to be set free. The spell to release him is “Knob Past The Ball”

Jeff Bagwell – Dolores Umbridge

Not actually qualified to be a professor, yet kept rising into greater levels of authority. Reverted the curriculum back to out of date teachings. Denied reports of Voldemort’s return like it was advanced analytics. Grew to be despised by everyone.

Yordan Alvarez – Severus Snape

Dumbledore purposely kept Snape out of the position out of fear that the curse would infect him. Yordan has taken 0 at bats in the cleanup spot this season.

Joey Loperfido – Amycus Carrow

I bet you forgot this guy even existed. Sort of how Espada forgot about Joey and didn’t play him a game during his final week in the majors. Carrow’s actor, Ralph Inneson, has a bright future as he is going to get an opportunity at stardom as he is cast as Galactus in the MCU’s Fantastic Four.