Open Tryout Request Letter

Dear anyone who can make this happen,

I will gladly go out there on gameday and make a fool of myself for 1 inning, s**t maybe I'll be lucky to even get one out, instead of potentially ruining one of our young guy's career by throwing them out there when they aren't ready. I have not thrown a baseball seriously in over 10 years so you know my arm is fresh, hot, and ready like a little caesars pizza to give the most glorious 30 MPH meatballs to our toughest rivals. My only request would be to wear #24, but that is retired, so I will go with #98 instead. And if I can just get lifetime throwing arm insurance, I won't mind going out there every single day.

And if so needed I would not mind pinch hitting for Abreu. I can drop down a mean bunt if I'm not flinching away at anything thrown remotely in my vicinity (it will go foul).

Sincerely,

Floppy Titties, Ph.D.

(I love you guys, hope the bullpen can lock in soon like I know they can.)