Explaining CoronaBills offseason to Non Football fans ……. through food.

You, like most sane people, love Tex-Mex. Unfortunately, you move to a small town up north for work and the only thing they have is a Burger house called Bergman’s (known for copying your credit card number) and a Landrys.

One day your favorite Tex-Mex chain comes to town that you’ve been bragging about and you can’t wait to take everyone there. You’ve been wearing the tee-shirts you got from the locations back home and been telling everyone they have to go.

You know the Franchise is good, the owner is a rich dude on the other side of town and they hire a Manager named CoronaBill. They have the best Queso you’ve ever eaten and amazing beef fajitas.

When you finally get to go with friends you find out that CoronaBill thought it would be a good idea to replace the world famous, best you’ve ever had, Queso….. but he didn’t just lose that, all he got in return for the best Queso you’ve ever had was…..pump cheese????? It’s cool though, b/c he got it for a few pennies cheaper than the world famous Queso. You don’t go to Tex-Mex ONLY for the Queso, but this probably just ruined your favorite part of going.

Then you start looking at the finer details of what CoronaBill has done. To replace the Queso he brought in some pretty good salsa from WI, but it’ nothing exciting and costs him $2.99/cup…seems like a lot to spend, and isn’t it free just for walking in? This guy doesn’t seem to know how to control food costs.

You start paying attention to smaller things and start getting worried. The waiters are wearing disposable safety gloves they bought in Cleveland that cost them $6/pair and you’re not sure they work. His best host, the charismatic DJ Reader just left and no one seems to care, b/c it seems like an easy job to replace, but they put some guy up there that has been washing dishes for the last few years.

CoronaBill was able to bring in 1 decent waiter named Bradley, but he can’t cover all those tables by himself…. CoronaBill has that covered too though, he traded a couple really good assets to secure wildly mediocre employees from Texas Workforce. They have tags that say Juan and Jorge and you’re excited for some authenticity but then you realize racist CoronaBill just put two Indians in a sombrero and thought we wouldn't notice.

The only thing keeping people coming after all this mess is the amazing fajitas. You have to have amazing fajitas to have any chance of keeping the doors open on a Tex-Mex restaurant, and they do have some great fajitas. But they are using Top Sirloin for the beef, and it’s protectively wrapped in very high end tortillas. CoronaBill thinks if he gives you good enough fajitas you’ll ignore all those garbage condiments b/c Sirloin makes everything better. And he’s right…..the sirloin makes it all worth it. But as you watch everyone devouring and loving the Sirloin you develop a sweat and want to scream STOP LOVING IT….he can’t afford Sirloin much longer. Look around, he’s leasing a building for WAY too much, this was confirmed earlier by the owner of McLain’s pancakes next door. You know within a year or two we are going to lose the sirloin and get it replaced with cheap ground beef….ugh.

Result : You love Mexican food and nothing can change that. The fajitas are enough to keep me coming since I have no other options, but the love I have for it is gone. I only wear the T-Shirt while doing yard work, and I’m not telling anyone to go anymore. CoronaBill has ruined Tex-Mex, and the Franchise owner won’t do anything about it because it stays full and he doesn’t know anything about it anyways. So yeah, I’ll still go eat terrible Tex-Mex due to lack of options……….and the fact that half the $$ I spend on those Top Shelf JJ-ritas goes to charity.