Bored at work so thought I’d post my projected stats for some of our players *sip*

After a preseason of HATERS I think it's time we bring in some real math to the *sip*tuation

Aight so keep in mind I haven't learned about numbers in like 10 years but I'm pretty good at adding and subtracting so I think these are pretty solid and fair stat estimations *sip* but I'm also trying to keep my projections pretty conservative and on the low side ya know since we can't be getting too excited about our squad after 1 week

*sip*

ok first up we got our lord and savior, king of olympus, all powerful TyGod. I think it's safe to say TyGod is beyond elite at football. If I had to compare him to another athlete it'd be my middle school self at Call of Duty MW2 – I had like a 2.3 k/d and I only rage quit 50% of my games.

Passing yards: 5,069

Passing TDs: 42.0

Rushing Yards: 1,069

Rushing *sip* TDs: 6.9

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Yeah, yeah that's lookin modest ok on to the next. Mark Ingram. The GOAT. The Heisman, he's my man. Look at that beautiful *sip* smile. Those thunderous legs. I don't care how old he is. He's easily the best running back in the NFL and he's about to dad dick the entire league.

Rushing Yards: 2,069

Rushing TDs: f**k it a hundred

Sacks: 21 yeah yeah so fuckin' watt

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Then we got the chef, BrandIns COOKIN *sip* man so underrated. Unreal the skills of this man. Easily gonna break the receiving yards record this year with tygod slingin' it to him.

Receiving yards: 2,569

Receiving Touchdowns: 3 *sip* 0 that's 30 of em book it

Hot Babes: all of em

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My brain kinda hurts now from all of this expert quantitative math I've been doing so im gonna call it quits there but the Texans are *sip* *sip* going 17-0 and gonna win the superbowl by at least 30 points.

F**k the Colts, F**k the Cowboys, F**k the haters.