I originally posted this on r/nfl, but despite its positive reception, it got removed by the mods. However, I can’t help but feel an obligation, nay, a duty to deliver the hot offseason shitpost content that you all demand and deserve, so without a better option, I’m taking the extreme step to deliver it straight to the team subreddits. Without further ado:

Looking at the current divisional organization within the NFL, it is clear to see there is an over-reliance on arbitrary attributes like geographical location and historical rivalries. I’d like to propose an objectively superior grouping method: Team Nicknames. After years of tinkering and countless failed tries, I’ve finally found a workable combination.

Conference 1: Animals

Division 1A: Big Cats

Carolina Panthers

Cincinnati Bengals

Detroit Lions

Jacksonville Jaguars

Notes: This is the division concept that kicked of this project and the only one that has never changed in my many attempts.

Division 1B: Grazing Mammals

Buffalo Bills

Denver Broncos

Indianapolis Colts

Los Angeles Rams

Notes: While the Bills are technically named after Buffalo Bill Cody, they’ve got a picture of a buffalo right on their helmet. That is good enough for me.

I originally called this hoofed mammals, but was informed that dolphins technically have hooves.

Division 1C: Birds of Prey

Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens

Philadelphia Eagles

Seattle Seahawks

Notes: Five different teams with bird names posed a bit of a challenge, but I think I found a clean solution for the fifth in division 1D.

Division 1D: Meat-Eating, Non-Humanoid, Non-Feline Mammals and Non-Meat Eating Birds

Arizona Cardinals

Chicago Bears

Cleveland Browns

Miami Dolphins

Notes: I’m confident that once this proposal gets adopted, the state of Arizona gladly have the Phoenix Coyotes swap team names with the Cardinals, tidying up this division nicely.

I chose to use the Cleveland Browns mascot, the Bullmastiff, to sort them. If people object to this, as it is not technically their nickname, it can be easily resolved by adding “and Bland Colors” to both the conference and division names.

Conference 2: Not Animals

Division 2A: Iconic Figures of the American West

Dallas Cowboys

Kansas City Chiefs

San Francisco 49ers

Washington Redskins

Division 2B: Groups Who Are Very Proud of Their Regional Heritage or Profession

Green Bay Packers

Houston Texans

New England Patriots

Pittsburgh Steelers

Division 2C: Non-Revolutionary Threats to the British Navy (Current or Historical)

Las Vegas Raiders

Minnesota Vikings

New York Jets

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Notes: Three of these are obvious. It took a little work to swizzle in a forth (while excluding the Patriots) without making the division name too cumbersome.

Division 2D: Sky-Dwelling Forces of Mystical Power

Los Angeles Chargers

New Orleans Saints

New York Giants

Tennessee Titans

Notes: There are those that will argue that Giants don’t live in the sky. Those people need to go reread Jack and the Beanstalk.